Jul 1998 Oct 1998 Nov 1998


Jul 11

                       I've seen a trillion stars
                   Burning upon the midnight sky
                   Still hoping for impossibilities
                   Still wishing for what cannot be
                     Even as my heart crumbles
                 Like a dessicated carcass long in the desert sun
                     Ash, ash, and no hope
               Tell me the missteps I've taken
                  I wish to know what to regret
              Much better the particular, specific grief
              Rather than this dull, general drear
               I trod upon the wayward path
              Leading to the endless abyss
              The land of the damned
                Where the very idea of happiness
              Is a ludicrous absurdity
                that sets its denizens erupting with mirthless laughter
              Oh, how laughter is cruelty
               I know it not without its sharp barbs
     Laughter which comes from my throat
              Knows nothing of joy
                  and everything of bitterness
              Still I dare ask why
              I must be
                Continue on
                  As this empty shell of a man
              No dreams for tomorrow
              I do not wish to stir even today
               For the fire in my heart is extinguished
               And not even an ember glows
                  I want nothing
               For all I have desired has led to disappointment
               And hope has just become another word for despair
                  I want nothing
               But the silent grave of oblivion is slow to creep
               Time crawls, inch by inch
                   I have a hundred thousand days to waste
                     wanting nothing
               And still I will not get what I want
                              No do not tell me to wait for better times
                I know everything about waiting
                Waiting leads but to one thing
                And that is only more waiting
                and waiting to wait
                    life is only endless waiting
               No do not tell me things will get better
                For I have hoped with all my strength
                wished with all my might
                And still I have nothing to show for it
                Though I crawl through the mud from sunrise to sunset
                And bend my back in hard labor
               I am dead
                though I must still keep living
               I know this is true because I no longer feel anything

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Oct 8
Endless Wonder

  I am to wonder, I am to wonder
Dreaming of finishing this book
  flipping pages until it's over
                         but it's never over
remembering flames, the buildings all lit up
amidst the burned-out wreckage

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Oct 13
A Place

All I want is a place
     I'm tired of being crammed into narrow spaces with sharp corners and jagged edges      trying to fit where I know I don't belong

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Nov 2
Uncertainty Principle

You know this [uncertainty] principle really sucks, 'cause everything is always shifting, shifting. You can never get a handle on things, like picture this:

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