I'm not really all that mysterious

The Art of Not Wanting

[I need to rewrite my XSL stylesheet so I can put up administrivia again, but for now: some updates: Playlist—added more songs that remind me of May and June (skip to the end), Other—more random scrawlings that I decided to upload—this one is about my trip to New York in May. And today is my mom’s birthday! (Happy birthday, mom!)]

So I’ve decided. Looking back at my life, sometimes it seems that I only get what I want after I stop wanting it. Makes things kind of bittersweet, but I feel like I’ve figured something out. Or I could just be insane, but I feel like I’ve just got to run with it anyhow.

It seems pretty subversive, though. This is not normal behavior in our capitalist, consumerist world. Communism! Anarchy! I can hear it now.

And this isn’t the avolition, I-don’t-care-about-anything, frontal-lobotomy type of not-wanting, either. There are a lot of things I care deeply about, things that I wish could be, but I realize that here and now is not the time or the place. When it happens, I’ll know. I just have to keep my eyes open, and keep learning. Baby steps. Small and non-threatening things.

But until then, there are things that need to get done. As long as I keep myself occupied, tending the garden (though in the end it must wither and die), I’ll be all right. Things don’t have to mean anything at the end of everything. All that matters is that they meant something along the way.

This life is not about accumulation, not about hoarding material things or even experience and knowledge. It’s about going out there naked, alone, and empty-handed, and still having the courage to give something of yourself. I’m trying to find that courage, but it’s not there yet. But I know it’ll be there when I need it.

But this is all cryptic mumbo-jumbo. Suffice it to say that I had a few epiphanies today. I’m hoping that I can continue to rely on this information, but I know that things change quite rapidly. I’m sure tomorrow will tell me whatever I need to know, though. I’m trying to learn to have faith in the universe. Not that I’m hoping things will always go right—that would be ridiculous and selfish. But I’m not saying things will always go wrong either. I’ve had my fill of pessimism. I still think it’s a better predictor of the future, but it isn’t very constructive. No, what I’ve realized is that there is no certainty in this world, but I’m OK with that. Things might go well or awry but in any case, there is nothing to fear.

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