I'm not really all that mysterious

falling from grace

spun like fine threads
of fraying axons clasping like hands upon
curled, crackly dendrites
like a mad forest of electrical wiring
exploding in a kind of chemical glee

in those interstitial spaces
and maybe happiness drifts like jetsam
in the briny effluvium
clear and pure
trickling drops of condensed thought
glistening upon the side of the test tube
nepenthe, crystalline and cool
like water from the river Lethe itself

I forget the way out to the light
wandering in the cavernous darkness
delving into the deep spaces better left undisturbed
digging into ancient graves
awakening ancient horrors
I become what I hunt
senseless and numb
and fear is all I feed on
so fear is all I feel

and this cracked and shattered slab of concrete
like a skull dashed against granite
fine threaded lines where the bone splits asunder
all thoughts shear and spin, leaving tiny spots of blood
broken and motionless, undone

I only know the breaking
the savage rending by ravenous, rabid beasts
gleaming teeth like daggers and grindstones
not so much the piercing that makes me scream
but the protracted disintegration
pulverized into bits and pieces
the centrifugal forces that bend and tear
the aching tightness in my chest as the world spins
and all that I love flies before me
the nerves shorn from the roots
leaving only the wrack and jolt of electricity
running up and down my spine

I only know this brittle uncertainty
crumbling like untended sandcastles
pulled apart by the ravening sea
spun, turned around, know the way backwards
although Home lies across the endless waves unreceding

I can only retreat
gazing upon the desperate and doomed carcasses
of my past failures, my indecision, my Sisyphian, Atlantian misery
behind the corpses lie the track of the final struggles
futile and gasping for air
the sunlight stings my eyes
burns my skin

Knowing those final gasps before the inevitable surrender.

In those moments before the darkness, I know peace.

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